Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Friday, May 16, 2014

Change Stations Now CD Download

BIG NEWS! Our most popular change stations now CD is available as a digital download for the first time! Many of you who own a circuit training health club similar to Curves have requested this change stations now CD as an audio download, and we're glad to say that finally you can download it for just a fraction of the original cost! 

To purchase this file for just $2.99, click here.

This cue CD download is titled "60 Second Cue Change Stations, Female Voice, No Heart Rate Check" and has the following description: This CD simply says "change stations" at 60-second intervals, and is perfect for use with the Zumba circuit-training format featured at many health clubs where gym members exercise for 60 seconds on a machine and then perform Zumba for 60 seconds. 

To purchase this file for just $2.99, click here.

Converting our extensive library of audio cue CD’s and posting them online for such a dramatically reduced price isn’t going to be cheap. Want to speed up the process so we post more files faster? You can help by spreading the word to your friends who may also be interested in our circuit training change stations now CD audio files. The more we sell, the faster we’ll be able to post new files for download.

As always, you can find any of the other 24+ titles we offer here.

Don't forget about our 100% free library of articles for gym owners, which you will find here and here.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day Is A Wake-Up Call For Health Clubs

According to Wikipedia, "Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is an American federal holiday marking the birthday of Martin Luther King, Jr. It is observed on the third Monday of January each year, which is around the time of King's birthday, January 15".

Martin Luther King, Jr. is a real American hero.

For health club owners, however, this holiday is also a benchmark of sales and profitability. Because of New Year Resolutions, January is quite simply the best month of the year for selling new health club memberships. As proof, consider that one of the top searches on Google right now is "health club near me". Americans are feeling fat after the holiday feasts, and are ready shed those pounds.

If you're a gym owner, and you're not absolutely rockin' the sales right now, then you're in trouble. It's that simple. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is a wake-up call for health clubs because it falls about halfway through the month, right when gym owners should be selling more new memberships than Fido has fleas. THIS IS YOUR WAKE-UP CALL.

Some of the industry GIANTS like Gold's Gym are seeing as much as a 100% increase in member sales during the month of January (source: The Wall Street Journal).

As a gym owners, if you're not selling like crazy right now then you've really missed the boat. All is not lost, however. Read these articles NOW for advice on how you can "stop the bleeding" and start selling:
If you haven't yet read these two articles, it's almost too late. What are you waiting for? These are completely 100% free articles designed to help you earn more money. READ THEM NOW.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Funny Christmas Poem About Dieting

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Funny Weight Loss Jokes

Weight Loss One Liners and Jokes To Make You Smile


A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd really love to be ten again" she replied wistfully.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosties and then took her off to their local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M's, her favorite sweets.

What a time she had!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Darling, what was it like being ten again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"You idiot", she replied. "I meant my dress size..."

And the moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.


"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2013 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"


Younger people try it at their own risk.

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this three days a week.

Begin by standing straight, with a 5 - LB. potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms

straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can - try to reach a full minute. Relax.

After a few weeks, move up to 10 - LB. potato sacks, and then 50 - LB. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 - LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in the bags.


Dieting is a lot easier when you factor in recently determined calorie counting principles. The following are calories that don't count:

CUSTOM-MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be rude. But don't worry, because the calories don't count.

FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.

OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.

INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore, make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them. 

LEFTOVERS: An extra hamburger, a hot-dog butt, half a Twinkie, anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to it in the kitchen.

TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of a TV has no calories. This may have something to do with the radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. In fact, entire " no-calories dinners" are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose.

ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For example, chocolate kisses, cubes of cheese, or maraschino cherries.

CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything purchased, produced or intended for a minor is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca-consumed for demonstration purposes-up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.

CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories. I heard this last Sunday.

LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories.

AND LAST, FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot-dog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie deficit.


Too many people confine their exercise to jumping to conclusions, running up bills, stretching the truth, bending over backward, lying down on the job, sidestepping responsibility and pushing their luck.


Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."


The Federal Drug and Food Administration is planning to issue a guide for proper eating:
A. List your ten favorite foods.
B. List your five favorite beverages.
C. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or little trees.
D. List water.
E. Avoid A & B; eat only C; drink only D.


Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.

"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.

"What's it for?" asked the first boy.

"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it either makes you mad or cry. That's what it does to my Dad and Mom."


The trouble with jogging is, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it,
it's too far to walk back!


The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it "Jumping up and down"!!


Miracle Toddler Diet! Guaranteed Results!

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days.

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most two-year-olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!


Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, and drop in dirt.
Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair.
Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.

After breakfast, pick up yesterday’s sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Spit several bites onto the floor.
Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, and some red punch.
Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar.
Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat breadcrumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.



T’was the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn’t sleep.
I tried counting backwards. I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned – the dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.

So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door.
And gazed at the ‘fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.

But, I managed to tell as I soared past the trees…..
“Happy eating to all – pass the cranberries please!”

May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey by plump.
May your potatoes ‘n gravy have nary a lump.

May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize.
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!


T’was the night before Christmas and all round my hips,
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.

Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chinstraps,
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.

When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.

The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow,
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!

That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick,
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer,
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear:

"On Atkins, on South Beach, on Zone Diet, on TOPS,
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox."

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall,
Now dash away pounds; now dash away all.

Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress,
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

I spoke not a word but went straight to my work,
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn,
Gave a quick nod, toward the bedroom I turned.

I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry,
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
"In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!"


T’was the month after New Year's, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
Then I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruitcake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore.
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Funny Gym Jokes

Good Gym Jokes to Make You Smile

My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.

"What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. "I'll give you seventy-five cents for it."


For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

It Really Works!
You walka pasta da bakery.
You walka pasta da candy store.
You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
You walka pasta da table and 'fridge.

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me ... "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is an unusual looking whale," I commented.
With a sad smile she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 175 pounds.

So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!!

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.

"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."

"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out.

"Please, Dad?"

"They're not cheap either."

"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see."

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"

Two women who had just met at a health spa were talking about their lifestyles and how they hope to stay healthy. One asked the other to detail her daily routine.

"I eat moderately," she replied, "I exercise moderately, I drink moderately, and I live moderately."

"Is there anything else you do?" her new friend asked.

"Yes," she said, "I lie extensively."

Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles. Please no bags.
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots. Please no gray.
And as for my belly, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy. Please keep me young.
And thank you dear Lord for all that you've done.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie!

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the greatest golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

St. Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much does it cost to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it's free!" St. Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part. You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

St. Peter and the old man's wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "It's all your fault! It's all your fault!"

His wife said, "My fault? What are you talking about?"

He yelled, "If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"