Weight Loss One Liners and Jokes To Make You Smile
- TEN AGAIN?
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd really love to be ten again" she replied wistfully.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosties and then took her off to their local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M's, her favorite sweets.
What a time she had!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Darling, what was it like being ten again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"You idiot", she replied. "I meant my dress size..."
And the moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.
- A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2013 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
- THIS IS FOR OLDER PEOPLE ONLY!
Younger people try it at their own risk.
For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this three days a week.
Begin by standing straight, with a 5 - LB. potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms
straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can - try to reach a full minute. Relax.
After a few weeks, move up to 10 - LB. potato sacks, and then 50 - LB. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 - LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in the bags.
- CALORIE COUNTING PRINCIPLES
Dieting is a lot easier when you factor in recently determined calorie counting principles. The following are calories that don't count:
CUSTOM-MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be rude. But don't worry, because the calories don't count.
FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.
OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.
INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore, make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.
LEFTOVERS: An extra hamburger, a hot-dog butt, half a Twinkie, anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to it in the kitchen.
TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of a TV has no calories. This may have something to do with the radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. In fact, entire " no-calories dinners" are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose.
ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For example, chocolate kisses, cubes of cheese, or maraschino cherries.
CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything purchased, produced or intended for a minor is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca-consumed for demonstration purposes-up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.
CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories. I heard this last Sunday.
LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories.
AND LAST, FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot-dog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie deficit.
- IS THAT EXERCISE?
Too many people confine their exercise to jumping to conclusions, running up bills, stretching the truth, bending over backward, lying down on the job, sidestepping responsibility and pushing their luck.
- DIET BUDDIES
Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
"Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."
- FIVE STEPS TO A HEALTHY DIET
The Federal Drug and Food Administration is planning to issue a guide for proper eating:
A. List your ten favorite foods.
B. List your five favorite beverages.
C. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or little trees.
D. List water.
E. Avoid A & B; eat only C; drink only D.
- WHAT'S A SCALE?
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.
"What's it for?" asked the first boy.
"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it either makes you mad or cry. That's what it does to my Dad and Mom."
The trouble with jogging is, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it,
it's too far to walk back!
- DEFINITION OF AEROBICS
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it "Jumping up and down"!!
- MIRACLE TODDLER DIET
Miracle Toddler Diet! Guaranteed Results!
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days.
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most two-year-olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, and drop in dirt.
Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair.
Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterday’s sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Spit several bites onto the floor.
Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, and some red punch.
Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar.
Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat breadcrumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
- THANKSGIVING TEMPTATION
T’was the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn’t sleep.
I tried counting backwards. I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned – the dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door.
And gazed at the ‘fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to tell as I soared past the trees…..
“Happy eating to all – pass the cranberries please!”
May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey by plump.
May your potatoes ‘n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize.
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!
- CHOCOLATE CHRISTMAS
T’was the night before Christmas and all round my hips,
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chinstraps,
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow,
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick,
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer,
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear:
"On Atkins, on South Beach, on Zone Diet, on TOPS,
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox."
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall,
Now dash away pounds; now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress,
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work,
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn,
Gave a quick nod, toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry,
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
"In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!"
- NEW YEAR DIET
T’was the month after New Year's, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
Then I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruitcake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore.
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!